I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
