somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
