I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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