Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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