I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
