dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
