we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
