just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
