Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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