I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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