Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
