Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
