A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
