i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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