we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
