im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I want to fling myself into the sun
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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