my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
