Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
