On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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