my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
they call him Oral-B. enough said
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Randomize
