marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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