Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
