And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
