M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
This show inspires me to have sex in space
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
