just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
