i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
