my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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