I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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