im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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