My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
