HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
