He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
