if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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