Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
