I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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