dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
