I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
