How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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