Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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