I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
