I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
