i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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