I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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