Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
