i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
