I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
