Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
