remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
