i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
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