Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
